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Tanya Denise Fields

Your Fav Big Bad Mama

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I love this kid.

The older I get the more I have little use for traditional gender expressions. Interestingly the intersection of my weight loss and the pandemic has really catalyzed my metamorphosis into this sort of gender neutral androgynous style of dress. I’m not comfortable claiming queerness and I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I am non gender conforming. I’m still trying to figure that out but I know that the this pandemic has liberated me from this need to PERFORM femininity and so has my weight loss. As a bigger dark woman I was constantly misgendered as an insult and denied femininity due to my size and complexion. My abusive ex used to say it was hard for him to maintain attraction to me because I had too much masculine energy. So I shirked from it. I rejected the power in that and I dug my heels deeperbi to playing up my femininity. And even when I didn’t give a fuck the stylish gender neutral clothes I wanted never really came in my size or felt comfortable. At 180 pounds I’m essentially the build of an average size man. I’ve leaned into it. Boxer briefs, boots, loose fitting jeans, hoodies and flannel...shit that highlights my broad shoulders and not my tits...even my gait is different. It’s so interesting the way folks respond to me as well. Women openly flirt and men openly smirk and size me up. I still like girly shit but it also feels super performative. This feels comfortable, this feels like home. My sister and my homegirl have both said their waiting for me to stop being in denial and claim my queerness. It’s a joke but I do feel a lot more liberated giving up these strict gender norms around dress and what constitutes femininity. I think imma buy a suit and a pair of oxfords see what that’s hitting for.

Today we start our NEW Fieldswart homeschool remote learning mashup. Our learning space isn’t quite complete yet but I’m hoping to do some more today. The great thing is that with the addition of CAPABLE and COMMUNICATIVE staff it’s allowed me to balance my home life. We have daily family meetings where we agree upon scheduling, ask questions, resolve conflict (Taylor thinks she’s on dish duty too much and that the Littles make too much mess in the room and should no longer have kitchen privileges. I agree btw tbh) and make suggestions (Lola is insistent that we have another movie night and we shouldn’t have to wait until Friday). This is already allowing us more peace in our home. I woke up this morning on a rampage but then I remembered that I have tools and threats of violence and abusive language aren’t it. I leaned into routine, order, communication and flexibility and the whole mood of the house changed. I, as the parent model the behavior I want to see. I can’t scream that into my children, I can’t beat that into my children (I don’t hit them so I don’t even understand why I keep threatening them with spankings because they know I’m a pussy who would NEVA) and I can’t guilt them into it. I have to do the HARD WORK of modeling it. And repeating myself. And reminding. And remembering. And being accountable. This pandemic is making a lot of us have to sit with the ways our lives didn’t work under capitalism. It’s some real ass, uncomfortable ass, weird ass, real ass shit. But let’s help each other. We can do this. If I can with 6 then those of us with stable homes, food in the fridge, some consistent cash flow can too (I named all that because it would be hella privileged for me to not acknowledge how the absence of those things can make radical and peaceful parenting impossible). How y’all coping with 25/8 🤣 parenting. What tools can you share with us that we can incorporate to make our homes more loving, peaceful and “normal” during this time? #mamatanya #remotelearning #radicalparenting

Today I am drinking tea and I am studying. The chirren have been tasked with keeping quiet and keeping clean. I am sitting in a window listening to the rain and basking in the beauty of my altar. I keep an altar for my ancestors but I also keep an altar to honor my Divine Feminine And Mothering Energy. This altar gives me so much peace. I am so proud of it. I am constantly adding flowers and trinkets that remind me of the power of myself and collective healing feminine energy. Love notes from my children, dried lavender, cards from my man, plants gifted to me from friends, fake sunflowers, cheap and custom art...it’s all there. It all reminds me that I am worthy and unique, extraordinarily ordinary, delicate and strong, flawed and perfect, just like today. #mamatanya #radicalactsofselfcare #altar

This was the day I needed. Black Joy Farm is lit today. The actual embodiment of radical joy. Even in the face of a pandemic we are out here resisting and persisting. We had a small group no more than 5 volunteers and we’ve gotten so much done while also lifting each other’s spirits. Nala was the highlight of my day! Thank you @kadiatoutubman for sharing her with us. The literal embodiment of BGM with her brilliance and beauty. Gosh I love us!!! #mamatanya #theblackfeministproject

I’m just getting home. I’ve been sitting on the toilet naked for almost an hour trying to will myself into the tub to take a shower. I’m filthy. This farm is wearing me out but it’s also invigorating me. It is reaffirming me. My relationship with @fatihfaithnyc is a reciprocal one of love, care, intention and accountability. She is a grown up who handles her scandal. She is making me a better person and administrator and propelling me forward to be a better farmer. We’re also really fucking tired but super duper proud of each other. Anyways, today’s Trill Farmer lewk was a fierce and trendy June Cleaver meets H.E.R. serve, hunny. And yes that is a gardening visor, judge ya mustard thumb motha... #mamatanya #growth #ironsharpensiron #hoodhomesteader #trillfarmer

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Home
Words
Images
The Work
Hire/Contact Me
Mama Tanya’s Kitchen
Black Feminist Project

Home
Words
Images
The Work
Hire/Contact Me
Mama Tanya’s Kitchen
Black Feminist Project

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