Being alone in New Orleans during #mardigras is sort of surreal.
First, I look like the plus size, dark skinned member of TLC that got cut from the group 🤣 I ain’t mad at it tho. I’m a vibe.
People keep talking to me and they automatically assume I’m from NYC, is it the outfit or the accent?
I’m people watching. The drunkenness, the excess, all the police, the French Quarter is a mess. It’s not my cup of tea but I’m glad I’m getting to see it.
My friend, Tanya treated me to a beignets and gumbo. I got red beans and beignets and Prosecco. I brought food to take back to my room. There has not been a time during my surgery that I wished I hadn’t had it as much as I do today. New Orleans food is amazing.
The sounds, the smells, the music blaring through the street...divine. Imma take it easy today. I’m about to take my little leftovers back to my room, blow a J and hang out at the rooftop pool. Imma gonna drink too much, imma gonna open the windows to hear the sounds, I’m gonna bring myself to orgasm and then go to bed early because tomorrow I’M TUENING ALL THE WAY THE FUCK UP.
I’m happy I’m here. I work very hard. I’m resisting the urge to feel guilty. I’m not perfect but I do the best I can and I deserve nice things and happy experiences JUST FOR ME.
Hello New Orleans, please to see you ...again.
#mamatanya
#neworleans
#solotravel
#peoplewatching
#itsobviousimfromNYC
Lola is the consummate athlete. Always present in her body. She started her gymnastics journey being self taught. She watched YouTube videos and practiced on my bed. My fear she was gonna break her neck compelled me to enroll her in Wendy Hilliard Gymnastics Foundation. She’s going into her third year. We take it seriously. And she’s very much interested in track and tennis. *
Lola inspires me. She reminds me that I was strong and competitive before somebody told me I was too tall, too Black and too big to do all the things I loved. Before I somehow decided that I needed to shrink myself so as to not offend others with how much space I took up. Lola, is my coach. She literally cheers me on during sets, she does weigh ins with me, we talk nutrition, she encourages me to be stronger and do more. My gains are her gains. *
She is a powerful child with big Oya energy. She speaks softly and carries a big stick. I am always in awe of her. *
Our next step is to increase the rigor of her training or find a place that can with the goal of national competitions. My baby has THAT much potential. As her coach says, she’s a beast. *
Also, y’all see them shoulders? Boulder Shoulders is most definitely genetic. 💪🏿 #mamatanya
#daughter
#blackgirlmagic
#childathlete
#youngathletes
#stronggirls
Fuck everything. This pic ain’t flattering or pretty and I give zero fucks.
I’m frustrated. I’m anxious. I’m filled with vision and diligence and dedication and I’m also STUCK. Constantly feeling like everybody else is passing me. And I’ll always just be the bitch who had all this “potential” and a bunch of kids. That’s gonna be my narrative.
My man career popping now. My friends’ careers’ popping. And I’m struggling with this little modest budget running from the fucking Marshall.
I’m not motivated to do shit. But I’m fucking disciplined. And when I think about how I’ve gotten anywhere despite the impulsive, stupid fucking decisions I’ve made most of my adult life, decisions rooted in lack of self worth, lack of self confidence, lack of worthiness, just fucking lack it’s because I’ve been disciplined.
I’ve been disciplined to a fault. I make people cry without meaning to. I push people away. I run myself into the ground. I run others away with my myopic view of being “goal orienred”. I’m hard on folks. I’m super hard on myself. I work to dismantle systems of respectability because I’m super fucking respectable in my mind frame and fucking judgmental. So I do the work for myself. And I’m DISCIPLINED in unmasking my shit. It’s how I keep from drowning. It’s how I escaped an abusive relationship, started to heal my babies, doubled my fucking budget as meager as it is and lost 100 pounds in 18 months. Discipline saved my life. And I keep reminding myself lack of discernment and discipline almost took it and swallowed me whole.
Discipline is important to me. I don’t think I’m ever gonna turn my back on that virtue. But I’m also trying to find the balance. How to be disciplined but not rigid. I’m trying to relinquish these feelings of stagnation and worthlessness because I think I’m just not disciplined enough to be the version of myself that I envision (and I’m very clear on what that vision is and no I’m not sharing that just yet). I need to be more gentle with myself and try to move slower without the guilt, shame and hurt.
So I remember that discipline is my virtue but It isn’t the totality of who I am.
#mamatanya
#gentleness
#selfawareness
